Elon Musk Could Turn Twitter Into The Worst Pay-To-Win Game

Elon Musk poses in costume at Heidi Klum's Halloween party.

Image: Taylor Hill (Getty Images)

Twitter, the social media site that has Made an A24 film And Too many errors To quantify, falling into his next circle of hell which will be implemented soon Extensive monetization.

With Twitter Blue’s new $8 monthly subscription, which will launch. After the mid-term electionsYou can earn a blue verification badge (and other featuresWithout verifying your identity and get banned immediately. To pretend to be someone else. New owner and CEO Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, has a poor sense of comedy. Walking into Twitter’s headquarters Picking up a sink and gently going, “Hey! Let it sink in!” Says his tenure bid for government and revenue. Not only would it legitimize comedy.but it will happen “Democratic Journalism” Somehow really, he’s getting the most out of it. A monty python sketch.

But Musk may soon be impressed. From pay-to-win video gamesalso on November 2 Musk replied. In favor of game designer and gamification expert Adrian Hohn’s (sarcasm) Twitter thread describing “true gamification” on Twitter, jokingly suggesting Twitter add video game features such as “a Twitter Battle Pass , Achievements, Happy Hour, Streaks, and more!”

Not everyone thought Hohn was joking, not even comedian Musk, who said Hohn’s thread had “some good ideas.”

Well, if Musk is taking suggestions from gamers, I guess I should offer something of my own.

Twitter coins

I’m assuming that Twitter will eventually add a heads-up display to its homepage, showing not only how many followers you have, but important stats like total time on Twitter or XP, total count (The number of times a guy named Bobby replies) to one of your innocuous tweets with an order to drink bleach, and your current load of Twitter coin.

I’m recommending Twitter Coins as an in-app currency that you can buy at a 3-to-1 ratio—$300 for 100 Twitter Coins—that empowers you to unlock more important Twitter Blue features. Will make what I suggest below.

And I know $3 for a Twitter coin seems a bit unfair, but how do you expect Musk to pay off $13 billion in debt (incl. $1.2 billion in interest payments Twitter is expected to make this year) it owes after its $44 billion acquisition? By shedding some of his $208 billion worth? No, it makes a lot more sense.

Class system

With Twitter Coins, you will be able to purchase exclusive Starter Classes, including but not limited to:

  • Harney with sunglasses
  • The man with zero followers who believes Marshall’s wiretaps.
  • The Journalist Who Got Dicked (and Fired)
  • The woman with zero followers who started a Change.org petition to delay BTS’s military service.
  • Woman With 15 Followers Starts Change.org Petition To Stop BTS From Wiretapping Her Samsung TV

Each class comes with its own themed starter kit — Horny with Sunglasses, for example, automatically gets you 35 followers wearing sunglasses in their profile picture and a month of learning a language of your choice. provides a subscription so you can learn how to say “dirty girl” a few different ways.

These classes will be available for a low base price of 5,000 Twitter Coins, but you can use the Reply Guy (which has a negligible 30-minute cooldown while it pokes at your Instagram photos for Monday tips). Like adding valuable add-ons. 500 coins, or a viral tweet (applies to any tweet about a yacht-centric reality TV show Below deck on Bravo) for 650 coins.

Never seen before avatars

Once you’ve chosen your starter class, it’s time to start customizing. Musk Already considering. Adding “cool stuff” to Twitter Blue subscriptions like Animated bannersBut I say he takes this idea a step further with a high-tech 3D avatar to use as your profile picture.

have you ever been there A chain of jungle-themed restaurants Rainforest Cafe location? They have a certain beauty. Tree Frog Sculptures. 3D Twitter avatars will be just that.

When you buy a Twitter avatar for a paltry $50,000 worth of Twitter Coins, you’ll be in control of everything. This includes facial features, body type, and whether or not your avatar is wearing a t-shirt that says “I Love the Song ‘Drive’ by Incubus” (I’m still working on outfit options. I am). Place your order and wait an average of 45 business days for shipping. That’s right, shipping.

Twitter is an avatar. Really 3D, molded and cast from the same brilliant steel and aluminum alloy that destroys the Tesla immediately upon contact. With a red light. To hell with downloadable content, we’re in the future! We must crash our cars. even Often or sometimes.

To use a Twitter avatar as your profile picture, simply take a picture and upload it. Yes, folks, it’s that simple. If you want, you can add your photo with the Legendary Profile Picture Package for 10 coins per week. It includes a 40 second long fireworks gif that pops up every time. Musk’s Content Moderation Plan One tends to be swatted.

Uploading an image costs 50 coins. You’ll also need to DM Musk’s phrase “You’re so smart and rich, dadEvery fortnight or so to prove that you believe in free speech.

Please don’t forget to DM. Your Twitter Blue subscription will be terminated immediately and the bank will take your pet or your Funko Pop! combination, whichever is more worthy.

Secret ending

After spending at least $250,000 in Twitter Coins, you will be lucky enough to unlock the secret end of Twitter. I can’t give you too many details, because it’s a secret, but I can say that it involves bankruptcy.

Now to get serious: it’s clear that Twitter’s pay-to-win future is on the horizon. Are you ready for it?

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